Story Time
by Bittersweet Romanticide
Summary: Max gets told a bed time story, right from the Middle Ages, mocking the cliche that is the Medieval Times romance fanfiction. May is the princess, Ash is the village idiot, and in order for them to be wed he has to kill the salamance. AAMayL


**Disclaimer: I do not own pokémon, nor the ideas I'm mocking, nor do I own "Life of Pi".**

**To furious character lovers:** I love these characters too. Ash, May, Misty, Max, Pikachu, Norman, Caroline, Lily, all of them. I love them so much, I can _make fun of them._ Do you know why? They _aren't real._ I am making fun of their stereotypes on fanfiction, emphasizing their character flaws, and poking holes in that clichéd Medieval romance. If you don't want to hear it, or find something offensive, turn back now. I don't need to sort through angry comments that has NOTHING to do with my ability to write. If you need to speak about how horrible I am for mocking characters, PM me so my review count isn't falsely boosted. You're not reviewing, you're complaining. That's what the PM is made for.

Ah, well. It probably won't get much reviews anyway. XD Unless it's getting flamed. But I liked it.

* * *

Her hand lingered over the light switch when he called her name.

"Natty?" Max asked as she began to leave the room. It had been a wild night of playing, everything from board games to video games in his home, but as the clock ticked past twelve and a new day started, it was time for him to go to bed. "I'm, uh, sorry I made you play with me tonight. I'm sure you'd rather be downstairs with everyone else. I had a lot of fun though! So, even though I'm sorry, I'm happy too and, uh…" He shifted under the covers until only brown eyes and black hair showed, face tinting a light red. "Never mind, it's stupid. Just turn off the light and head downstairs."

"I'm sure it's not stupid," Natty consoled, wandering back to his bed. She stood next to him, looking down with arms crossed. Her purple hair was falling out of its ponytail from all the roughhousing, dark circles had formed under purple eyes, and lips were chapping from the winter weather they had been enduring for the past few months outside. "You want me to leave the light on or-"

"No, no," Max shook his head wildly. "I was just after a…nightlights are for babies! I want a bedtime story!" Ash if suddenly stunned at how bossy he must have sounded, he blushed, and pulled the covers up to his chin. "I'm sorry. You don't have to."

She plopped down on the bed with a laugh. "Hey, anything to keep away from the lovesick couples. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for romance if you find it, but it's got its place; behind closed doors, in books, movies, and in some exceptionally detailed video games. What I _don't _like is the PDA and the lovesick looks and the utter devotion and trembling knees." She crossed her arms. "If I ever fall in love, I'm going to be a bit more assertive than Mr. and Mrs. Fluff n' Stuff downstairs. _You're _way more fun. All I've got is cousins, its fun to pretend I've got a little brother. After all, I've got the heart of a kid, a little boy in fact, despite my gender. You owning and letting me play Portal is just the icing on the lie of a cake."

"Really?" He asked hopefully, letting the blankets fall. He grinned at her, a cute kiddish smile. "I'm not forcing you to play with me."

"I'm a temperamental, opinionated bitch. If I don't agree with something, trust me, you'll know." She winked and curled up tightly on his bed. She scooted back so she was next to him, back on the head board and staring out across his pastel yellow room. "A story though, I don't know about that. I know plenty of fairy tales, but do boys even like fairy tales? You're too manly for something like Cinderella or Beauty and the Beast, huh?"

He nodded. "I like adventures."

She sighed. "I was afraid of that. Adventure stories are more Ash's department than mine. Sure, he skimps on the details, but if he gave me a plot I could fill those in for him. Unfortunately, he's eating your sister's face right now. I could…bleh, I don't know. Nothing interesting had happened to me in _ages_. Not to mention you have to have romance to tie it all together. At the very least there had to be something wickedly sexy, like in Beowulf. You haven't read Beowulf, but I can't tell you that. There's inappropriate conduct. Still, the book and the movie kicks ass." She sighed and flipped back on his bed with a moan. "This would be so much easier if you were a girl. Or if half the cool stuff I saw didn't have R rated material."

Max grinned and sat up in bed, only to be pushed down thanks to bed time regulations and Natty's palm. "You can make it as dirty as you want! I've got internet connection, so I know all that kind of stuff. Besides, authors often take their life experiences and use them to tell a story. A lot of times they'll fabricate. But you're smart, right? You've got to be if you've been going to school all these years! You can make something up!"

She moaned again, bringing her hands up to cover her face. "Don't flatter me. My stories go off on tangents and I can't talk. It only works if I write it down. But, then again, I am in a fictional land due to an unfortunate copy and paste incident. I suppose anything is possible. But the only real exciting thing that has happened to me was when Gyarados tossed a seal into the air and bit it in half. There was blood everywhere, but you can't really blame him because that's what he hunts and he just evolved. They get confused and violent and hungry and if you don't catch it in time, sorry, this isn't bed time talk." She cut herself off abruptly and glanced at him, looking away when she was satisfied he wasn't scared. "But, about the story, I do like making fun of people, and Dark Ages stuff. I could do a humongous medieval tale. You love you sister and Ash enough to make of them, right?"

The boy laughed. "Of course! I'm the smartest one in the family, you know."

"Damn straight!" Natty cheered, pumping her fist in the air. She held out her hand for him to high five, and nodded with a giggle once he did. "Now, romantic, humorous, mocking fairy tale…well, if nothing else, it's gotta start with…"

* * *

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a princess. A loud, pretty, big breasted princess who was terrified of pokémon. This is not as chronic as you might think, as this is a typical clichéd story, so there's barely any pokémon around here. She dressed in long, flowing dresses that highlighted lovely, big, innocent blue eyes. Her hair was a light, long brown, so straight it seemed to be straight-ironed, which it couldn't have possibly been as there was no electricity at the time.

Her father loved normal type pokémon more than anything else in the world and surrounded himself with them. This kept May hiding in her room. May's fantastic brother Max adored pokémon and could not wait to go on his knightly journey with them. Her mother was not obsessed with pokémon, nor did she despise them. She just sort of didn't care. It's not rare to find one who didn't. Meanwhile, the princess hid in her room.

And yet, there was another player in this wild affair; the village idiot, Ash Ketchum. He was a good looking boy, brown eyes, black hair, a fantastic battler and person, albeit on the slow side. He tended to the kind's pokémon, as he was not entitled to his own. He was merely a peasant. Of course, since we're going for a clichés love story here, he had somehow come across a mega powerful Pikachu, without who he would be nothing. This is the equivalent of a deadly ninja sword, the most powerful knightly sword in all the land.

It was thanks to the metaphorical sword that they met. Pikachu had run off, smelling ketchup in the princess's sandwich, and Ash was helpless to follow, waving his arms and screaming his pokémon's name, only getting distracted by a shiny thing once before resuming his crazy, possessed looking run. And he did, truly, look possessed, if it hadn't been for the luck of the stupid, the witch hunters would have caught him and beat the demons out of him for sure.

May screaming was more than understandable. Even if she wasn't frightened by the galloping pokémon, (and, honestly, who wouldn't be scared if the thing you were scared of came running at you) the boy behind Pikachu was frightening sight to behold. Her sandwich fell to the Earth and she scooted away, thinking the creature's happy chas to be furious growls of a predator who had caught its prey.

"Oh, milady!" Ash gasped, bowing deeply and swinging his hat across his chest. He fell flat on his face, and stood a moment later, making sure to keep his head lower than hers. "Pardon the creature, milady. He likes ketchup and, well, you got ketchup and that's what he's after. He won't bite. You can pet him if you like."

"No, no, that's fine," She grinned nervously at the boy, and he grinned back, both revealing yellow and rotting teeth. They didn't have toothbrushes in the Middle Ages, or soap, or acne medication. So everyone smelled disgusting, had bad teeth, zits and other disgusting hygienic deficiencies. The village idiot and the princess were no different, and the whole town smelled like urine, pigs, and cows that would make a modern day person's stomach turn.

_Max rolled his eyes. "Oh, but they had contractions and ketchup back then? Talk about plot holes."_

"_Hey, do you want a bed time story or should I go back down and watch hormone ridden teenagers suck face until I upchuck?"_

Alright, so they were both hot. No acne, they smelled like roses and had beautiful poetic color sounding eyes. And they fell in love at first sight, basing their decision off the other's physical appearance instead of dating and falling madly in love for each other's personality. How unshallow and romantic, unthinking, unquestioning followers of clichés. The town was gorgeous too. It smelled like a chocolate factory.

"Milady doesn't like pokémon?" Ash asked carefully, getting the plot going once more. "She fears them."

"Everyone has to be afraid of something," May defended quietly. "What are you scared of?"

Ash thought for a moment, tapping his finger against his chin. "Fanfiction authors taking away my masculinity and making me a borderline metrosexual romantic sap. I only wore a dress voluntarily once. The rest is because I'm nice. "I'm nice, but I still have cohones."

"Pardon?" She exclaimed, hand on her mouth which hung agape.

"I mean, I fear nothing, milady," he paused dramatically, then continued, "except perhaps losing loved ones."

May, meanwhile, was lost in her own world. "Maybe it _is_ scarier. Fanfiction authors might make me weepy and cry whenever someone rejects me and even kill myself over something as small as lost love or losing a contest when I'm pretty sure I could move on. I mean, I cry, but not anymore than the average girl. A girl can really step up to the plate and be brave, you know? Why can't I ever kick ass for once? I have pokémon, dammit, can't someone let me kick ass?"

Ash pointed an accusing finger. "Now _you're _breaking the forth wall!"

"I mean, that's pretty clever for the village idiot." She laughed nervously and ran a hand through her hair.

They were now fully back in character, now each carrying shy, romantic smiles on their faces and glancing at one another with their shy, romantic smiles. After five minutes of this, he shrugged sheepishly. "Maybe I'm not so much the idiot when it comes to matters of the heart."

"That's so romantic," May sighed, clutching her hands over her bosom. "I would much like to marry you, village idiot."

Ash beamed. "Sweet! Er, I mean, how lovely, milady. I feel so lucky that a maiden as beautiful as you would agree to take me as your husband! Most nobles in this time don't even care enough to oversee the torture of peasants, let alone talk them, marry them, and completely screw up the ideal of monarchs being chosen by God and had a divine right to make absolute monarchy an unquestionable reality!" Ash stepped even further out of character. "And if you're wondering what absolute monarchy is, get an encyclopedia or open a second tab to google it you lazy bastards. Don't ask in a review. Learn!"

"Don't call the readers lazy bastards," May snapped before returning to her former calm, smiling state. "Unfortunately, I can't just marry you for my own sake. You're a peasant, not to mention the village idiot. I don't think my daddy would approve. You must prove yourself as a worthy man for me to marry. You must do something heroic, to prove that you could defend our family name. You have to kill a dragon."

His eyes narrowed suspiciously. "We don't have horses or cows or unicorns or anything. How can there _possibly _be a dragon?"

"It's a salamance then, whatever," May shrugged, her arms crossing over her chest. "You can have a sword if you want, but you need to pull it out of a rock or something. It has to be heroic. Everything you do has to be heroic because then, at least, we can pretend you were a noble. Not a knight, because I wouldn't marry a knight. They're below me. So are you but, ah well, I guess I've had a lapse in judgment because of your terrifying rat. He's a dirty beast."

(_I'm a girl,_) Pikachu muttered, munching on May's sandwich. (_You don't have a damn dent in your tail and no one bothers to check your gender. Kanto pikachus don't have one, dammit._)

"If I pull a sword out of a rock won't I be king and can just marry you as king?" Ash suggested after much thought.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not that kind of rock." May rolled her eyes. "Duh. It's not King Arthur. However, fi you don't have a sword one will be provided for you. Then you can slay the creature, return to my side, and we can marry even though I would normally never have a choice in the matter, being a woman and all, and e shipped off to sleep with another political power and give birth to children until I die. However, we're willing to sacrifice this, because I love you and my father's pretty sure you'll get roasted alive." She pointed to her father, who gave the village idiot a thumbs up (which the idiot idiotically returned) and mouthed 'I hope you burn, daughter defiler' in his direction.

Ash contemplated this as well, and after ten minutes of intense thought, he tried yet another idea. "Alright, can I catch a swinub real fast before I-"

"No. That's dishonorable," May cut off.

Ash wrinkled his nose, trying to figure out this new situation. "So I can neuter a giant lizard with my sword, gut it and cut its babies open, and that's okay, but I can't freeze it and kill it quick so it doesn't have to suffer because that's wicked?"

"Pretty much," she shrugged.

Ash sighed. "Alright, so I won't use any kind of pokémon. I won't do anything that would be nice to kill the dragon fast and give it a fair fight and all that. I really like you, May, and if this is what I have to do to prove to your father we can be married, that's just fine with me. I love you." The shared a touching smiling moment, before Ash finished, "and what did this dragon do? Kill a girl? Burn the countryside? Destroy our economy by feasting on goats?"

"No, it's just there," May said, gesturing towards the distant mountain. "It hasn't done anything. It ate a few Mary Sues, but no one really cares about them. Their family always hates them, and no one really notices they're gone. In fact, most people are kind of excited. Their only complaint is that they've tried tying up Mary Sues and sacrificing them to the dragon, but it won't take it." She snapped her fingers and grinned. "We did set a town on fire to settled the rebel peasants down and spread the word it was a salamance. That sort of counts."

"Why would you do that? Don't you care about your people?"

"…" She stared at him blankly, thinking, then calmly replied, "sorry, I didn't understand your question for a moment. I've never heard peasants referred to as people before. Anyway, as long as they don't threaten to undermine my absolute monarchy I don't care what they do. I loved them then. It's sort of a…conditional love."

"Well, you won't do that with me, right?" Ash grinned nervously, this time with more than a fear of rejection on the line.

May smiled and touched his arm affectionately, stepping closer so their faces were just inches apart. "If you try to pretend you actually have a say in running the country I'll have to axe you. But I'll do it with mourning in my heart and I'll wait an entire month before I marry someone for use and not for love, dear heart."

He shifted uncomfortably. "You know, I just sorta wanted to get laid and I can pay a tavern whore for that so, uh, I think I'll just go back to clearing the stables and loving you form agar. I don't want you or the dragon to kill me, and I don't really know how to wield a sword-"

"Too late," she sang in a happy voice. "I've chosen!"

"I'm the Chosen One know?" He screeched. "I don't like killing things! I'm nice, dammit, didn't you hear my cohones rant earlier? I mentioned nice in there! I said I was a nice guy!"

She crossed her arms over her chest again and glared. "Alright, you've got two options, Sir Village Idiot. The first is the honorable, knightly, hero thing and kill the dragon, salamance, whatever, despite how innocent it may be. The second is, in my vast love for you, I've spilled one too many secrets and my Daddy has to chop you head off with a dull blade, after her tortures you for defiling me. If I can't have you, nobody can, Ash Ketchum. The only way to assure that is to kill you. Isn't that right, Daddy?"

"If he puts his hands on you I'll castrate him, my beautiful princess," Norman called, flashing his axe (very heavy, thick, and deadly looking) and crashing it into the stump, where it didn't imbed by instead cracked the huge stump in half and imbedded itself instead in the dirt under the stump.

Instead of being horrified (he _was _the village idiot after all) he waved back at the man and cried, "You'll have to teach me that trick when your daughter and I get married! I'm going off to kill the salamance! Once I do that, there's no way anything could stop me from taking your daughter's hand! I wonder who I'd be taking it from? Probably from you, huh? Wow, that seems like a pretty great loss! Your only daughter too!"

If it hadn't been for Caroline and Max holding back the raging king, the story would have ended then and there and our village imbecile/hero would cease to exist.

May, who had paused only a moment to rub her temples and hope it would all be over soon, said, "So you will need a sword. There's a witch down the road who makes them. If you stop by her shop and ask her I'm she'll already have a sword made for you, since witches can see the future."

Ash grinned. "Cool, you guys like witches?"

May bit her lip. "Well, I wouldn't say like. It's…love, yes, that's it. Tough love. We love witches with a firm hand and a hot fire and a deep lake."

Ash paled, his skin going whiter than the lily white girl's before him. "The Middle Ages were so damn violent! Come on, Pikapal! Let's go find the witch, get the sword, and slay the salamance!…And its poor, innocent children." He gagged a bit. "Mew, I hope dragon insides smell nice."

(_First of all, the amount of post-Renaissance things you're mentioning, the Inquisition, absolute monarchy, is near unholy. You obviously don't know your timelines. And, yes Ash, dragon insides smell like roses_,) the, in my opinion female, but widely agreed on as male mouse said sarcastically, bounding up onto his shoulder. (_And the babies' livers taste like chocolate. Idiot. What the hell do you think? "I hope the dragon insides smell nice", what the hell Ash, really?_)

And so, the village idiot began his trek down the road. From the castle to the witches house was a straight line, and was probably a ten minute walk at best. Einstein over here managed to pull it off in a day and a half. What with his horrible sense of direction, distraction of all things shiny, and his tripping clumsy manner, it was a miracle he managed to find the place at all. It was over a bog (a bog that conveniently was a few feet long and just big enough to surround her house) and made out of a black wood that gave the place a dangerous, witchy air. In case all that wasn't much of a hint, there were several flashy signs declaring "witch's house", and one random message of "Eat at Joe's". Sadly, our lovable idiot began to scream, "Where the hell is this place?" To be fair, he was glaring down at a crudely drawn map and couldn't see the signs.

(Look _up_,) Pikachu barked, groaning when the boy tilted his head back to the sky. (_I know he isn't the brightest bulb in the box, but can we tone it down a bit? I don't want to be the only one here whose IQ has more than one digit.)_

Ash immediately looked forward, his face lighting up like a lighter at a 70's concert. "Hey! We can Eat at Joe's!"

Pikachu growled, squinting her eyes. (_Well, at least he can read. Wait, pretty much no peasants, and even most nobles can't read and he's the village _moron_, so how can he-?)_

"Pikachu, you can't have a full debate with the storyteller. That's like taking a wrecking ball to the wall! The wall is sacred!"

Pikachu glared. (_The wall has already proved to be pointless. I mean, you just broke the wall _again. _Not very religious towards your 'scared wall' are you? _Every _character, except the unimportant ones, have shattered the-)_

"Don't care, story moves onward! Onto eat at Joe's!" He pumped his fist in the air and raced inside, only to be stopped by one-episode appearing witch named Lily, who beamed at him like he was a lab rat in a cage. The boy fell back on his butt, crab walking away as fast as he could. And all the while, Ash screamed, a scream that eventually became words. "Bad witch!"

Lily smiled, nicer this time. "Don't be silly. I'm a good witch." Her accent was light and British, it was merry, and yet he was still terrified, not because he was an idiot, but because he had encountered this witch in a parallel universe and knew _exactly _what her witch-y abilities were.

"_Morally_, yeah, you're a real good witch, but skillfully you're-" He cut himself off as the witch glared. Through the haze of stupid, his mind produced a single, blaring red light, warning him that insulting a witch, especially a witch who lacked proper magical skills, was probably not the smartest thing to do. "If nothing else, the best we've got."

She continued to glare, debating whether or not to kill him, then turned away. "Not exactly a compliment, but it's better than nothing, I suppose. You came here for a sword powerful enough to slay a dragon, yes?"

"Salamance," Ash and Pikachu chorused.

She blinked. "If it's a salamance, why don't you just-"

"We _covered _this already!" Ash groaned. "If you're such a great witch you can look in your crystal ball to figure it out. Be a better witch! If you can't use a crystal ball I'm not touching your sword. That reminds me, _why _are you making a sword? Shouldn't I go to a master sword-smith person for a sword?"

"I've got a magic sword," Lily chirped, holding up an index finger. "Not even the best of sword-smiths can make a magic sword like I can. You can have it for free if you like, as long as you bring it back as soon as you kill a dragon!" The two opened their mouths to correct her once more, but she beat them to it. "Sorry, salamance."

"What does it do that's so magical? Does it turn whatever you cut to muffins? Because I love muffins! I wouldn't feel nearly so guilty killing the dragon if it turned into muffins!" He sat up eagerly at this, leaning towards her and looking around the room for the muffin making sword, succeeding only in finding several shrunken heads and other frightening things, such as voodoo dolls of the dubbers of the recent seasons of pokémon…

Lily stared at him for a moment, contemplating throwing a bottle of glitter out the window and letting him follow it. She took deep, patient breath in, and explained to him what was going on instead. "No, it doesn't make what you cut turn to muffins. Whatever you cut will bleed twice as fast as any regular sword, thus killing the beast faster. One slash and your job's done, you just have to wait it out!"

"Ew!" Ash shouted, slapping two hands over his mouth. "What is _wrong _with you people?"

She finally lost it, sick of being insulted and putting up with other's stupidity. "It's the Middle Ages, you bloody moron! What the 'ell do you _think _is wrong? We're people of torture! It's a miracle I haven't been burned yet, you stupid git!" She chucked the sword at him, the blunt handle striking his head and knocking him on his arse once more. "I hope the dragon eats you! I hope it roasts your bloody arse and eats you!"

Ash looked around him, baffled from the blow to his head. "What a second, this isn't Joe's!"

"Get out of my house, you git!" She screamed, still fuming as he ran out the door, and several fancily dressed men came in. Calmer now, she inquired, "Inquisition?" They nodded. She stomped her foot and ran a hand through her hair. "Fuck."

Meanwhile, Ash and Pikachu, now equipped with a sword Ash carelessly dragged along the ground, the moved onward. The boy was gaping up at the sky, mouth open as he thought. Waiting just a moment before vocalizing those thoughts, "Pikachu, do you know where the salamance is?"

(_Your princess pointed at the mountain, but nothing she says is exactly reliable in this story. Besides, I was eating _and _the mountain has vanished. No idea where it went. Swear to Arceus there was a mountain behind us not an hour ago. Maybe we should have asked your princess what's going on. Ah well, we can ask her now and get the proper location._)

"But I've got a map," Ash said cheerfully, holding up the object in front of his face. The map just so happened to be a drawing of a Raichu with a big smile and a cookie.

The pokémon stared at the map for a moment, then her owner, and quiet instructed, (_I repeat: we need to get to your princess and ask where the proper location.)_

Onward they went, another three days with the village idiot's lovely sense of direction, until they came across the castle and asked May for her assistance. She promised to help, but it would take a while for their guide to get there. So, during the weeklong trip that their guide would be traveling from a faraway place that wouldn't take nearly so long if they had cars or bothered to use a psychic pokémon, they had to go back to mucking out the stalls and loving the princess from afar.

Finally, they were called inside and into the meeting room. "I brought you another princess to help navigate," May said merrily, holding his hand and guiding his through the twisted halls. "She's taken _loads _of mapmaking classes, mostly of the kingdoms surrounding her and the war forts in those camps, I've noticed, and she's even got her own pokémon to help if anything gets dangerous on the way there! She can't help you defeat the dragon though, that's dishonorable."

The redhead wore black pants, black shirt, and heavy gothic makeup, she looked up from her book with a chuckle. "Huh, so you're the village idiot. Can't say I'm surprised. You're at the top of my list for that topic. Wanna know who I am?"

"The crazy bitch I thought had left me alone forever but somehow managed to find her way back like a puppy after you fed it in the streets. So pathetic, yet so annoying and you desperately wish it could just get on with its life?" Ash asked.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm going to ignore that since you're the village idiot in this world, but one more crack like that and I'll kill you. See, though gothic clothes haven't been invented yet, this is symbolism. You see, it won't be mentioned in this story, but in the future I destroy this nation." She sighed dreamily. "With guns. Big, primitive guns, but they're effect. They thought the devil was bringing down the force of thunder to their hears, but it was just little ole me, firing chunks of steaming metal into your soldier's dying bodies."

"I've never met you in _this _universe, right?" Ash asked.

"Thank Henry VIII, no. But, you still owe me a bike in that one. Over here, I just plain hate you, and everything about you."

Ash whined, "Aw, how come?"

She rolled her eyes. "Hello, parallel universe? It's a cliché, which means there _has _to be another woman and since, apparently, everyone who pairs you two up is firmly convinced I love you, I'm just not good enough for you," She glared. "Which is a load of shit. He'd be _lucky _to get me. But I'm _ten _in the show, dammit. Why the hell do you want me to get paired up already? May's ten and so is Ash! What kind of pedophiles are doing this?"

She shook her head and went back to the plot. "Anyway, since I'm the other woman, I've _got _to be a jealous bitch. I'm a threat to your and May's eternal bliss. Since I'm female and don't possess a boyfriend, I _obviously _need one but am too scared, ugly, or bitchy to find a man." She pulled out a modern day book, "Life of Pi" printed boldly across the cover. "So, you guys can pretend I hit on Ash and I'll read about the tiger and the boy in the magical boat to hell. Well, it's not _really _a boat to…oh screw it. You don't care."

"She was all over you Ash! She's still looking at you with loving eyes! I know she wants to corrupt both you and me! She probably meddles with witches." May whined pitifully, clutching the boy close. They ignored the fact that, not too long ago, Ash had been the one to meddle with witches. "Please tell me, whatever you do, that you won't fall in love with her while you're out on your trip! You'll think only of me in those long, cold nights. You won't try anything with her or try to pleasure yourself will you?"

He clutched her back. "Of course not, my-wait. I can't pleasure myself? But that's not really cheating it's just…" May glared fiercely, and he gulped. "Er, I mean, of course not, my love my heart beats for you and only you! I would never do anything to betray the trust you've instilled in me! My passion for you burned brightly, more brightly, than any star or moon."

(_And that's the village idiot. He can read and recite poetry, but he gets distracted when sun glints off a window! Where the hell did he learn to write poetry? Come to think of it, I haven't seen Delia either. Where's his mother? There's no way he live this long by himself in this universe! He'd be dead in seconds. I saw him step on a rake!_)

Misty glared up at the sky, where the person controlling the story apparently lived. "If you do a scene change to Delia and Prof. Oak in bed, both naked and Delia saying 'you were _amazing, _professor, can I have a light for my cigarette?' I'm killing Ash, right here, taming the salamance and using it to set fire to this _whole _place. I'm not about to hear about old people having sex. I don't care how into eldershipping you are and I don't need to hear any proof of it."

"This is not an acceptable children's story," May murmured, glancing at her brother. But the moment passed quickly and she went starry eyed for her D-grade lover. "Perhaps, y love, my soon-to-be prince, we could share a…" She flushed. "A kiss?"

"Oh, for the sake of Martin Luther!" Misty cried. "And Henry the VIII, let him be the only one slobbering over women."

(_That's all post Renaissance,)_ Pikachu sighed, looking away as the teens began to make out. (_This is the Middle Ages, where everyone's Catholic and nobles have sex parties where prizes are give to the man who orgasms the most._)

"Really?" Misty asked, turning her attention to the mouse. "Have you two ever been to one?"

The mouse grinned. (_How do you think he won the hat?_)

"Oh, dear God," She muttered crossly. Her eyes looked over at a moan and noticed that in typical Medieval style, the two had begun furiously fornicating on the floor. "Oh my _God_!" She screamed, covering her eyes and running from the room.

Pikachu took her seat and shrugged. (_Hey, I may be just as OOC for the times as Misty, but I don't care what they do in their spare time._) She glared and began to clean herself. (_I just wish they weren't so noisy about it. And to think the princess blushed at the thought of a kiss._)

Once the princess and the village idiot had finished their fornicating, the idiot and the warmongering princess set out on their voyage to the salamance's den. About two minutes in Ash began to sing. Misty promptly smacked him. He was quiet for all of another two minutes and Misty hit him again, harder this time. The circle continued until Ash had been smacked so hard he (quite literally) was knocked on his ass. When he was quiet for a full ten minutes, she dug into her bag and gave him a cookie.

"What' this for?" Ash asked.

"It's positive reinforcement for shutting up," She rolled her eyes to the sky with a sigh. "_Psyduck _figured out to shut up after three hits. How long are you going to take?"

"You _could _just tell me, Misty. I'm not a pokémon, I speak English. You know, I don't just understand it, I can speak it too and we can talk things out. Why are you so violent?" He pouted. "You're mean to me and you're not supposed to be mean to stupid people. That's, like, the number one rule of human decency. I'm real sad too. I never got to eat at Joe's."

She stared at him for a moment. "How the _hell _did you get a pokémon?"

"Since I'm a sweet guy, pokémon come to me from all around. We dance and play and build each other's trust through friendship exercises. Let's play one now! Make your body go real stiff and fall back into my arms! I promise to catch you!" He stood behind her and held his arms out wide as they walked on, preparing to catch her in case she decided to partake, which, of course, she did not.

She smacked his shoulder, making him whine, and turned back to the road sharply, walking on. "I don't want to do friendship exercises, I want to find the salamance so I can go back to my own damn kingdom. By the way, I'm capturing its baby and will be using it in the future to take over your horrible nation."

"Nuh-uh, I'll tell."

"Tell what?" Misty challenged with a smirk.

"Tell…" Ash trailed off, then smacked his forehead. "Dammit! I hate being the village idiot!"

Misty snickered, and they continued their trek through the woods. After a moment, Ash began humming a happy tune until Misty clawed at her ears and began screaming, wishing desperately that the boy would just shut up, just for a moment, so she could kill herself in peace. He didn't, not for a long time. Pikachu had to tap his shoulder and point down for him to finally see what was going on, and he then tried to understand her actions.

"I think I know what your problem is!"

"Have mercy, Mew, have mercy, Arceus, forgive me for taking away the life you so lovingly granted me, but I don't have the strength for this. I would take his life but I'm too afraid that he can't die. Or what if I go to hell for killing him, and he's _there_?"

"You're angry because you're actually soft inside. You hurt easily." He threw his arms around her in a mammoth affectionate hug. "It'll be alright! I'll listen to what hurt you so bad! You can cry too! It's okay to cry! You're such a wonderful person, I'm sure of it!"

It was at this point she kneed him in the groin and got to her feet, glaring. "I'm _not _your princess! I do _not _throw sex parties! Virgin Queen, alright? Elizabeth I, killer of Mary Queen of Scots! No marriage! No nothing! No sex! I don't want a man in my life right now! Maybe in, like, thirty years I'll try to find one but it'd be a political marriage. There's more on my mind than love right now, just like there can be more on the mind of males than sex!"

(_Once again, post Renaissance is Elizabeth,_) Pikachu chirped. (_You really love that era don't you?_)

"Of _course _I do! That's all the big wars. Not the village idiot killing a dragon." She kicked the ground and continued her tirade. "Fuck it! Camp is _right _here! We'll get to the dragon middle of tomorrow and if you don't kill it, I will! I know I can't possibly leave you, I know it. Something will happen to drag me right back here. My life sucks like that. Jesus Christ!"

(_That's from Medieval Times!_) Pikachu chimed in.

They began setting up camp, starting a fire and laying out heavy blankets which appeared from seemingly nowhere. But we don't know where their sleeping bags come from, so I think this is all fair game. So they watched the stairs, which you could actually see since there were no cities with blaring lights, next to the crackling fire, and ate food such as baked beans and bred. Then they got under their blanket and tried to sleep. At least, one tried to sleep and the other prevented them from doing so.

"Misty, what do you think the stars are made of?"

"Nuclear gas. Go to sleep."

"Misty, do you think we'll ever reach the end of the Earth?"

"No, it's round. Go to sleep."

"Do you think May and me will be together forever?"

"God, I hope so. The last thing I need is her croaking and you trying to romance me."

"Do you fantasize about me courting you?"

"Of course. It usually ends when you get close to the gate and we pour boiling oil on you. It's a powerfully reinforced castle. You're not getting close."

"What if I fall in love with you?"

"May would be very sad."

"Because we'll elope?"

"Because I'll kill you," She retorted calmly. "If you want to make the story more dramatic, you can pretend I was all over you. You can pretend I raped you, even. You need a girl pining over you to make the love story more thrilling. You two deserve a love story before you're destroyed. Maybe if May chose someone smart you would have invested in gun instead of pokeballs. Good, defense, leisure. _That's _the order you invest, not the other way around." She snorted. "Go to sleep."

"Goodnight, Misty. Don't let the bed bugs bite, best friend."

She rolled away from him, furious and muttering under her breath. "_Everyone _hoped the monster eats you, stupid."

In the morning, they began their trek up the steep hillside to the random cave on top, just a grassy hill with a stone dog house at the summit. Except that stone dog house held a much, much more dangerous creature. For a moment, the two just stood, tilting their heads back and forth and trying to figure out what it was. Pikachu, not at all caring, had begun to clean herself again and only absently wondered if Ash was going to faint at some point before, after or during the battle. She hoped it would be after as both Misty and the electric rodent had placed bets the night before and mama needed a new bottle of ketchup. However, she supposed she could count wanting him to live as a reason as well, but that was in the far back of her mind.

Ash turned to the red head, "Do you think it'll eat me?"

"Here's hoping!" Misty giggled, voice slightly slurred as she raised the canteen to her lips and took a long swig. "Mmm, that's the good stuff. I'm saving your town's brewery when I take it over, It's…" She swallowed and wavered in her upright position. "It's fantastic! It warms me right up. No need for a man when you've got booze, yessir."

"Every time I talk today it seems like you take another drink," Ash began suspiciously, watching the girl take yet another swig. Then, in a much brighter tone, he deduce, "You must be real thirsty."

"You're a moron," she declared, beginning to stumble around. "And I'm drunk." With that she bent forwards and heaved up most of her meal onto the ground. Then, she stumbled away and passed out in the dirt, canteen full of beer still firmly clutched in hand.

Ash clapped one hand to his mouth, eyes wide with pure horror. "Oh no! Misty's sick! How will we get to the salamance now?"

(_I know the way,_) Pikachu rolled her eyes. (_Walk forward. If you turn, I'll shock you._)

So Ash walked forward, tried to turn just once before he was zapped and her resumed his straight course again. Approximately three hours later (Pikachu wasn't sure how he had managed to get them lost when honestly, she was _positive _they just walked straight) they arrive at the mouth of the cave. Inside was the mighty creature, nursing three baby bagon. She looked up casually when he walked in before turning back to its babies. Ash stood at the mouth of the cave, sword on the floor and dragging in the dust.

"Hullo," He began.

"Haven't you ever heard it's rude to interrupt?" She demanded icily, speaking in perfect human. "If you want your turn to try and slay me, sit at the mouth of the cave and wait. I won't ambush you. You'll get fair warning. Let me finish the babies' meal, in case this is their last one."

"Alright," Ash said, plopping down in the dust. He was quiet for a moment, but as most idiots need to do, they filled the void of silence with unimportant words. "I'm Ash Ketchum, I've come to kill you and your babies so I can marry a princess name May. Misty guided me here, but she got sick and passed out at the bottom of your mountain. Do you have any medicine for her? She tried lots of liquid but it didn't work."

She eyed him. "Child, have you ever heard the term 'drive a man to drinking'?"

Ash nodded.

"When they made it, they had you in mind The girl who left you here is quite loud. I heard her screaming last night. In fact, as I was hunting, I saw her chugging a flask, running through the fields naked, and once she finished chugging she tossed it aside and screamed about how damnable these alternate universe are. Which after only a day or two in one I must concur with her sentiment. I ate a Mary Sure just this morning, and that's all there is to eat around here."

Ash looked around him carefully, making sure she wasn't around and whispered, "you can eat Misty if you want."

"I don't eat people," the salamance returned. "And when I do it's only if provoked. And I won't eat a drunk. They taste disgusting. You don't smoke or drink, do you? When I kill you I want to know whether to throw you outside my cave or eat you. I haven't had a human in a long time."

"You just said you ate a Mary Sue!" Ahs exclaimed, flailing his arms.

"They're not real people," the dragon shrugged. "They only feel happiness and they taste like sugar cubes. They are a healthy sort to feed my babies though. They've never got any fat on them. Just once I wish there was a fat one. It'd be nice to give them a treat." She eyed him. "Well, you're a little chubby."

"I'm not!" He cried, covering his stomach self-consciously. "I've got loads of muscle."

"Under the fat," she agreed.

One of her bagon babies burped and the last one fell away, curling up with its siblings and falling on top. The mother lumbered to its feet, roaring in a fashion that sounded a lot like a groan. She shook her massive head, then gave a real roar, one that made him jump and her chuckle. He stumbled to his feet, clutching the heavy sword in two hands stiffly out in front of him like a ninja's instead of a knight's sword. Then they stood, neither one really knowing how to get it started. The dragon had experience, even though Ash had none, but had no clue of what to do. Generally the knights attacked they battled, she roasted, and she went back to her life. This one looked like he wanted her to make the first move, staring at her intently beyond his sword, standing stiff legged and unmoving. Pikachu had walked over to settle in the pile with her children.

"Well?" She demanded. "Aren't you going to attack?"

"Are you?" He retorted.

"You're the one who came to kill me!"

"You're the one who made me wait?" Ash shouted. "I think we're pretty even here. Besides, I've got a sword and you've got a built in flamethrower! _Excuse me_ for believing this battle has me fucked! Technology generally wins. This damn thing can't cut through fire! Can…" He turned his sword to examine it in the light. "No! No, it can't! I don't think I can win and it's not fair! I'm not even allowed to pleasure myself!"

(_Whipped,_) Pikachu sniggered.

"Do you want a damn invitation?" She snarled, ignoring the yellow pokémon and keeping her attention on the one with a sword.

Ash nodded, "Actually that might take away some of the guilt. Yeah, uh, could you invite me to kill you?"

She threw her head up to the ceiling, "John Calvin!"

(_Post Renaissance,_) Pikachu confirmed, taking much delight in knowing all her history type information.

"Fine, boy," she growled, and shot a long flame of dragonsbreath straight into the air. "I invite you to kill me."

Ash charged over and…well, you can't have a good battle scene in a cliché love story. This is also where you get (A/N: LOL, I can't write battle scenes. LOL. I don't know, just pretend it was really cool. LOL) which begs the question: if you _can't _write a damn battle scene, _why _did you have it all lead up to this point? Sure there must be a way around it! But, no, sorry. No battle scenes. We're following that proper story line.

"_Aw, but _Natty, _can you just-"_

Nope, sorry Max. Have to follow the laws of the realm. So we'll skip to this:

Two loud shots ripped through the air battle, blood pouring from the dragon, Ash's clothes burnt (with skin mysteriously unscathed), and bruises growing. There was Misty, one hand on the musket, the moaning holding her head while she moaned over a killer hangover by kneading through her hair. She looked at the two and glared. "Stop being so _loud. _Do you know how much that _hurts_? I was drunk as _hell _before. I don't even have toast to cure my hangover! So, how's the battle going?"

"He may be winning, but I will fight to the death," the salamance bellowed. "Care for my children, sweet girl. May my misery end fast."

"I'm not sweet," she growled, and shot the dragon three times to prove her point, though, in a way, also disproving it as she ended the misery quite quickly, a lot more quickly than one could do with a sword. The beast fell and the gun smoked, making Ash scream about witchcraft and Pikachu bounce over to the gun, sniffing it and thoroughly examining it. She couldn't help but wonder, how could it fire in such rapid succession? Then, she saw it.

(_Now, Misty, they did _not _have semiautomatics. They won't have semiautomatics for a long time. I could accept the earlier gun but, _really,_ Misty. A semi that looks like a musket? _How _did you even manage to find that?_)

"I was in the drunk zone," she shrugged. "Anything's possible. So, I've got food to bribe the babies home with. Ash, cut off the dragon's head to show May you killed it."

"But you and you witchcraft killed it!" He debated, pointing at the bullet holes.

She rolled her eyes, kneeling down and offering a piece of jerky to the already eager babies. "Ash, dear village idiot, _what _witchcraft?"

"You…dammit! I don't _want _to be the village idiot! Since when has village idiot come with short term memory loss!" He stomped his foot, then glanced down, surprised to see the dead dragon due to his village idiot style memory loss. "Hey, I killed it! I know! I'll chop off its head and take it to May to prove that I did! Then she'll marry me and we'll live happily ever after! Hey, whatchya doin' with the babies?"

"I'm taking them to my kingdom where I'll raise them, treat them with love and compassion to make sure they're loyal only to me, and have three salamances who'd be willing to kill and be killed for me. How about that, cuties? But mama won't let you die. If anyone tries I'll torture them until they die of old age. Mama'll protect her babies, yes she will." The bagon leaned into her with happy cries, and she took a good amount of time petting each and every one.

Pikachu sighed. (_I think I'd be safer coming with you than Ash. But I love him, Mew help me, I do. Try to warn me ahead of time so I can get him out of the shooting range._)

"As long as I keep my absolute monarchy, I don't give a damn. Isn't that right, babies? Mommy loves you. Mommy may have to save the village idiot and the princess but she loves you and she'll save you before everyone else, yes she will."

The sweet, lovable moment was broken when Ash moaned, feeling slight nauseous: "When's the head gonna stop bleeding?"

* * *

"So they journeyed back to the kingdom and Ash showed the dragon's head. The family now believe that, although he was the village idiot, he could defend the throne and family name as long as no one invented guns or bribed baby salamances to fall in love with their new mommy and destroying any neighboring kingdoms, but what were the odds of that?

"They married on equinox in summer and, of course, with their one, perfect kiss, that made both of them shiver and realize their love would last forever. With rings on their fingers and songs in their hearts, and Misty attacking the north and west instead, they lived happily ever after." Natty finished her story and grinned.

The boy grinned sleepily. "Had to end it with that cliché, huh? Wouldn't be a good parody without it."

She smiled and ruffled his hair once, standing up and flicking her finger on the light switch, not turning it off but making it jerk back up and click against the hard plastic. She looked at him, mouth opening and closing before she sighed. "Kiddo, whether I hate the pairing, the writing or anything like that, the story's more important. A disastrous ending might have been funny but…it wouldn't have finished it. Nothing would have been resolved. Even if it's open ended, you _have _to finish your stories, leave them satisfied. It can be killing the dragon, getting the girl, or even finishing a simple task you got distracted from, like turning out the light."

She smiled at him. "Good night, Max. Sweet dreams." He murmured his own, eyes closing and sliding deep down into the warm, clinging cover. Her finger lingered over the light switch, but only for a moment.

With one swift movement, she had turned off the light and made her way downstairs.


End file.
